You guys I still can’t get over how anticlimactic that fight between Klaus and Mikael was. Like two bowling balls eyeballing each other from the gutter. 

Elijah vs Mikael was like one of those UFC matches you think will last longer than a second so you gather around the TV to watch and it lasts two seconds.

Now, bring me tortured Elijah, please.

Elijah. ::heart eyes::

OK, bruised and bloodied Elijah chases Hayley in a white, tattered nightgown which all seems pretty New Orleans-y to me. Except then Hayley turns into Elena? No thank you, I thought we got away from that whiny excuse of a main character.

I really hope this is mostly an Elijah centric episode. Like, if we don’t see the other characters, I wouldn’t be mad. Like, if this turns in to just a character study of Elijah in chains, I wouldn’t be mad.

Well, here is the contractually obligated Nina Dobrev appearance we’ve all been pondering about since last season…or not.

Ooo, Elijah as a witch?

Oh no, Mama Mikaelson finally has a chance to chastise him for his…dalliances.

YES it’s totally an Elijah centric episode, complete with flashbacks and wigs (but not the worst wigs.)

I’m all about Elijah-centric episodes, actually I am all about Elijah so…

And of course, Elena (except not Elena but viking doppleganger Elena) causes a rift between two brothers because that is all that character is good for. 

Listen, Hayley could have easily filled the role of brother separating hussy, but noooooooooooo

Kol is back to his antics, annoying everyone. That should be clue enough to his secret identity.

Seems it was.

Shut up Kol.

Son of a…why didn’t we kill Mikael again?

I’m so mad at Davina for bringing back this garbage dad.

Klaus is in trouble and he immediately calls for his brother.

Diane, are you shipping Kol and Davina yet? They haven’t even really interacted and I’m shipping it.

I am shipping Kol and Davina because I am obsessed with shipping pairings that barely speak but would make sense.

Kol isn’t telling his brother that Mikael is alive. Why?

Kol, you are a fool.

At least Cami gets to see the originator for Klaus’ damage in first person

Cami, you need to never be seen by Mikael. He puts everything in his path on his shit list.

HILLBILLY HALLOWEEN

Hillbilly Halloween or an episode of True Blood, you decide.

Kol, what is your game?

New dynamic alert. Friendship between Marcel and Hayley.

I don’t hate Marcel and Hayley.

We get to see the moment after Klaus werewolfed! And killed six villagers, not bad. ROUGH, finding out you’re a werewolf and a bastard ON THE SAME DAY?! But Elijah promises this changes nothing and IT’S FINE I’M FINE SHUT UP

Klaus has no luck. But interesting seeing him transform for the first time, but you know finding out you’re a bastard isn’t always the best thing in the world…but on the plus side Klaus is one of my favorite bastards along with Jon Snow and Gendry. Ramsay on the other hand, hot mess. Okay, wait, what am show am I talking about again?

And then Not Elena ruins everything.

VIKING ELENA. Go AWAY. Just go on and get!

Mama Mikaelson tries to convince Elijah that he killed Not Elena Viking Doppleganger because this world is cruel. Side note, if you wanted to know if this was abuse, yes. Yes it is.

These are legit the worst parents on the planet. Just pointing that out.

Side side note, I’m mad that Klaus is too busy chasing Mikael to be worried about Elijah.

The best part of the kidnapping of Cami is that we get to see her try to play therapist to Mikael.

Cami, girl, is that really a book you want to open?

Really? Klaus turned your entire family against you?

Oh hell naw. Is Mikael really trying to say his son ruined the family? Bitch, look in the mirror. Sheesh!

Even in these moments, Klaus will take Hayley’s phone call. (Listen, I gotta take any of these that I can get)

Klaus and Hayley scene…sort of. Phone call but still, why isn’t she the one trying to divide two brothers? Is there a rule she can only look like Nina Dobrev? Cause I mean.

All right. I’m shipping Kol and Davina. Are you happy, Diane?

Yeah, I’m pleased with Kol and Davina and Meghan being straight outta shipping them. Old joke right? Whatever. I do what I want!

I just watched that movie, I get that reference!

Poor baby present day Elijah. His eyes are wide with fear that he really is a monster that killed his first love. OH WE HAVE A REASON FOR THOSE SUITS. OH.

Elijah hurts my heart.

That’s amazing.

Does Isaac have a weird accent in Teen Wolf? Sometimes feels a little forced (as is ALMOST EVERY ACCENT on this show.)

He has an American accent on the show so…yeah.. His Irish accent is weird here…actually I’m not sure…is he Irish? Not Daniel, Kaleb. I know Daniel is English. (Edit: Australian, actually.) 

I can’t even blog this fight. So good but so many things happen.

And then of course Marcel showed up.

Eff you Marcel! I was standing on my couch going “Fight! Fight! Fight!” Like a sixth grader.

“This night has been a long parade of fools.” My thoughts exactly Mikael.

A long parade of fools? Has Mikael been to Comic Con where we all wait seven hours for a panel?

But Hayley shows up as well! And stands behind Klaus to protect him.

Hayley! Klaus!

That fight was BOSS.

Big brother Marcel is NOT happy with Davina.

How self righteous, Marcel…

I’m sorry. Still not on the Cami/Klaus bandwagon.

Cami and Klaus…I don’t feel it…yet? Maybe?

We get prolonged Elijah torture time. This show sometimes speeds through stories like ecstasy at a night club but slow burns the emotional hurt.

Dang Elijah is sexy when tortured. I thought this episode was supposed to be ultra Elijah Centric…I guess it sort of was. I just wanted an entire episode of Elijah in chains…maybe it’ll happen in season 100 “Elijah Unchained”

“I crave you.” This has got to be a dream but so hot. About time you said it to Hayley, Elijah.

Damn. Someone get my mouth guard and retainer. I am drooling.

YUP a dream. Mama Mikaelsson is not going to make it easy on our boy. 

It’s a dream? Go fly away somewhere Esther!

Ep 6: Wheel Inside The Wheel

Remember how much I loved that suit walking scene with the brothers? Apparently the previously ons liked it too. That, along with the images of Elijah all chained up make these not the worst previously ons.

I skipped the previously ons. After reading Meghan’s notes I will come rewind.

Is the Anna and Elsa? Frozen’s even made it’s way to the Originals?! Oh, not Elsa. Esther. Close.

Effing Esther.

SON OF A. HOW is Jax Wolf still alive?!

Jax Wolf and his magic abs are alive and kicking.

Who are you talking to, Esther? No one’s in your creepy grave with you.

NO STOP stop hurting Elijah!

Not Elijah!!!

Guys. Where do you THINK she’s keeping Elijah? Where do the witches keep any of their secrets?

Enough with the bitchy witches already. Snooze fest, show! Snooze fest! I would rather watch baby Hope sleep for hours. Anyway, where is baby Hope?

What Hayley why are you going after Jax Wolf and not Elijah?! I get that it’s mostly for Elijah but seriously can we just let him die?

I seriously thought Jax Wolf would be dead by now.

What? Elijah’s back? Is he possessed? Oh, nope, still not unchained.

They are saving Elijah unchained for a very special episode.

Esther finally comes clean with her twisted motherly motives. It’s interesting though, she is similar to Elijah in trying to redeem Klaus (and her whole family). But Elijah does this by not trying to change who Klaus is but by trying to get Klaus to love himself. Esther does this by trying to get Klaus to hate himself.

Don’t understand Esther. What motive does she have to make Klaus hate himself so much? What?

“Your love was a curse.”

FINALLY Esther knows her hubby is back. Though I don’t know if I want these two to meet, they end up having children they eventually hate.

Esther and Mikael need to not intertwine. For the love of God, please no.

Poor Cami. Can’t be free of those Mikaelsons but at least she finally knows.

Cami, now you get it. Klaus is crazy because he is a product of his shit show environment.

ANOTHER kid?! We’re up to seven. Vikings could have really used a television.

Girl, yes, seven kids! Who else is going to build the boats and take care of the crops??? What you think this is?

DAYYYYUM GIRL, Hayley is on point with the self defense.

Hayley, kicking ass and taking names.

“She was supposed to be my wife.” Jackson, bro, you got to let that go. 

Jackson is so thirsty! It was a pact your parents made a long time ago. Did they trade Hayley for a goat and some chickens too?

Esther just completely glosses over all the other awful stuff she did and is like “No boo you’re mad because I wouldn’t tell you about your real papa like I’m going to do now.” Like an evil Dumbledore.

Esther, I’m pretty sure Klaus hates you because you are legit the worst mother.

Ansel’s been teaching you the old ways, Wolf Hubby? Do those ways consist of camper living and campfire cooking? Oop and we’ve got some moonshine.

I don’t like or trust Jackson, but his magical hair entraps… What sorry what was I saying? Dozed off at Jackson speaking.

Hayley believes in Jax Wolf. That’s sweet of her. You haven’t been watching the show, have you?

Hayley, every time you trust someone they turn out to suck and you run back to the OGs. Do we have to bring back Sophie from the dead to show this to you…oh God, I hope I didn’t put that out into the universe because no one needs her back from the dead. (Edit: EFFFF SOPHIE.)

So apparently Mama Mikaelsson forbade real daddy from seeing baby Klaus. So, more ammunition to the mama hatred?

You banged him but you don’t want him to see his kid. Okay, Esther.

Wait, so, REALLY Klaus is all damaged because he’s the middle child.

Klaus is the Jan Brady!! Gah! Bringing this one back for good measure.

Let me explain to you, Mama Esther, Klaus DOES yearn for peace from his vicious ways. Just not the way you perceive it.

Klaus wants to be free of his sins, Esther. You’re a ding bat and you clearly don’t know your children. This show, I swear.

Did Klaus just dream his papa’s face?

Is that Klaus’s papa’s face? Clearly we will meet him and for a second think he doesn’t suck but chances are…

Mama Esther just gave away Elijah’s location? This can’t be a good thing.

Cami’s a better actress with Finn than any of them. Oh and she’s asking Finn to diagnose Klaus. And she’s poking that beast.

Why do we need to diagnose Klaus? I already did that. Bipolar with hints of borderline personality. I’m not psych counselor, I just have mental illness very close by.

Wait, Ansel didn’t want Hayley killing werewolves but it’s totally cool for him to?

Ansel and Marcel have the same shitty morals about their own kind.

Remember when the first few episodes we knew nothing about Cami and she was just another blonde? In that time she mentioned a pattern of falling for the bad boys? We’re kind of exploring it now! Oh, no we aren’t. But I still don’t understand why she put the knife away.

Cami and Finn can totally be a thing I approve of at some point.

Jax Wolf is all broken up and giving impassioned speeches. Still don’t like you.

Why are we having to watch this redemption tale for Jax? Is it necessary? We have so many characters we can watch a redemption story for and Jax Wolf is not one of them.

Hayley, Elijah is like TWO FEET from you.

HAYLEY! Get Elijah. The effffff

But we need Klaus to — OH. WHAT. STOP. Klaus’ dad is back and Klaus is losing his crap. This guy isn’t the worst and he seems to want to love Klaus and he has no understanding how to accept that.

Well, there is Klaus’s dad. As predicted. He doesn’t suck yet…yet being the keyword here.

This random of moment of emotion between Marcel and Gia is brought to you by the CW because we didn’t have any awkward attempt at intimacy between a non couple.

Oh Marcel…a character we can do a redemption arc for that isn’t stupid Jax Wolf!

“He was busy being a man.” That’s fine, don’t pull punches Hayley. Hubby Wolf is the worst.

Jackson sucks.

For the love of…I have never not cared more about Hubby Wolf and Jax Wolf. WAIT. YES. JAX WOLF IS FINALLY DYING. Joy is probably not the emotion I should be feeling right now…

See you Jax Wolf!! TOODLES BITCH !

KLAUS FOUND ELIJAH. THERE’S THE JOY. I hate how Elijah’s been out of commission this whole episode.

KlauLijah love!

The Mikaelson babies come by their manipulation honestly.

Wait, why is Mama Esther not OK with vampires but totally OK with werewolves?

So vampires suck but wolves are ok? I guess Esther is team Jacob.

This is a great moment for Klaus. He doesn’t care about the reasons for Esther’s actions. She came after his daughter and that’s not OK.

I’m glad Klaus is pretty much telling his mom, like okay, you can try to redeem yourself but you’re a horrible..hum…witch!

I’m with Klaus. She’s not OK. She shouldn’t have let her sister take her child. You don’t just roll over and accept the death of children.

So we have a new big bad coming up. Aunt Dalia. Pretty much any adult in this family is a bona fide monster.

Aunt Dalia is the new big bad. Everyone in this family blows. We are almost at mid season and season 3 bound. Time flies!