Before we begin I need a little PSA:  Luckily Meghan edits on Tuesdays because I’ve been ill the last few days. Long story short don’t forget to hydrate yourself in the summer, kids! I’m sorry if you find the more you know rainbow appearing right about now.

Key to understanding In case you don’t recall:

Diane = italics

Meghan = Regular Font

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Episode 9 – Reigning Pain in New Orleans

I would rather this show have cheesy opening credits than the voice overs. Can’t we watch The OG’s and friends dance around a couch in the middle of Central Park?

Klaus’ VO is getting better and better but I wish we could just get rid of them. Didn’t TVD lose them after a while?

Klaus sure knows how to throw a bloody compelling party! Get it! Get it?! Sorry as I’ve mentioned I’ve  been at home dealing with dehydration issues. My puns are worse than Elijah’s flash back hair.

This is the worst dinner party. No one wants to be there and Klaus knows it. And he gives no effs on the matter. Flashback Marcel, Klaus is the biggest baby on the planet of COURSE he forgives you if you fake loyalty. All Klaus wants is fake friends. He’s not one to appreciate genuine relationships because people yell at him. And true, abiding love means that NO ONE YELLS AT YOU (nope, just kidding, that’s not real everyone.)

Klaus is just like “respect my baby mama!” Hayley responds by snarling at him. Ata girl!

Hayley, girl, I would have DOWNED that whole bottle of alcohol. Oh and apparently his plan to solidify the other Vamps to be on his side is to kill all werewolves. Don’t even look like you’re surprised or concerned Vamps, you wanted to kill all the werewolves before anyway.

And much like other hypocrites before him Klaus allows for the vamps to go on a wolf hunt to kill the wolves in the quarter. Because Klaus isn’t a werewolf or anything, right? Lord Voldemort and Hitler sure would be proud.

I wonder if there’s some mental erosion when you use so much compulsion. Cami’s sure going to feel it.

When Cami confronts Klaus I truly am proud. I’m also excited to see her discover Vervain so Klaus can stop compelling her poor, beautiful brain.

I’m a sucker for big, strong protectors. This includes Rebekah coming along with Elijah to save Hayley. It also doesn’t hurt that Elijah wears a duster like some Wild West gunslinger.

Elijah not wearing a suit brings all of the Meghan’s to the yard.

Elijah and Bekah show up to rescue Hayley and in exchange she demand they help her rescue the wolves in the quarter.

Klaus and Marcel talk about the good old days and how to keep the humans from not getting out of bounds.

Klaus forgives Marcel REAL quick. Feeling maybe a little emotional whiplash because JUST ONE EPISODE AGO Klaus wanted to rip Marcel’s heart out and now Klaus is basically confessing all sins like it’s their wedding night.

Klaus fesses up to everything he’s put Marcel through. Cami, Davina, and Joshua working for him, to name a few.

It’s the priest! I’m turning into a big fan of him. He’s the Alaric of New Orleans. He knows how to talk to the big bads, but isn’t afraid of them at all. But it sounds like he’s about to die so… Actually, Klaus won’t do that to Cami because she’s Rebekah without the incest implications.

Cami is too smart for you, Klaus. She leaves post its behind and recordings of Klaus fessing up. She is undoing the compulsion so-to-speak.

Elijah being cordial with a mild threat under his tone and I am all heart eye emojis.

Diego and his crew of vampire misfits are off hunting the wolves. Elijah and Bekah break up the party and the only reason Diego still has his head is because Bekah let him keep it. They see Eve who we met in the previous episode and she declares they are fine. They are only found if they want to be found. Elijah and Bekah are like, you’re stupid,  we found you? And she’s like DUH, that’s the point!

Klaus tells Davina he can’t wait to see her talents. Oh Klaus, you perverted old man.

Oh Klaus, that’s good. Remind Marcel he was a slave. Making friends everywhere.

Klaus is talking to the human faction and they try to step to him. Klaus does exactly what I think he would do and just threatens them with bodily harm. Oh Klaus, a one trick pony.

It seems the human counsel didn’t like the terms Klaus gave them and set fire to the rain… Well, to the nightwalker since they don’t have dayrings.

Klaus’s ideas for the faction doesn’t work out so well as the dumb ass humans attack them. Yes, this will work out well.

Klaus is giving me all sorts of weird whiplash, I can’t.

Even tells Rebekah and Elijah that they need to help her take care of the newbie wolves to the area. Apparently they will want to? Idk why?

The Elijah and Rebekah story feels like some wield goose chase.

Josh and Davina! Josh and Davina and Hayley! This is an alliance I can get behind.

YES Super Witch and her BFF! I love them, they’re totes adorbs. And enter Hayley, can she be their surrogate Mama? Because I’m on board for this new dynamic.

…Hayley once again has to tell us she’s a pregnant werewolf.

Cami is going crazy. I thought we already went over this? Why are we doing this?

Cami once again proves to be the smartest person oh this show.

Now we kill the human counsel, basically so we don’t have to pay the one off actors with speaking roles anymore.

This police chief isn’t such a good detective because he actually thinks Klaus is soft. Oh poor moron. Klaus and Marcel are more dangerous together than alone.

Well, Klaus and Marcel eat the dumb faction, leaving only Kiernan alive.

Rebekah isn’t fooled by this goose chase and calls out Elijah’s growing attraction to Klaus’a Baby Mama. That was cute AND a real life sibling interaction (I’m side-eying you Klaus and Rebekah.)

Elijah and Rebekah bonding! So cute! Elijah is the best and cutest big brother. (Minus my own big brother. Hi Steve!)

Elijah lays down the law to Diego and his pack of goons. How are these baby vamps so damn stupid?! KLAUS is afraid of Elijah, why do you think you’re better?

But we find a werewolf! Yay! And he has a weird necklace that I’m sure will lead to the next three episode arc. 

I recognize the werewolf dude! He was in the season one episode of Veronica Mars entitled “Hot Dogs”. Coincidently Veronica told him if she wanted him to speak she would wave a snausage at his nose. I guess he would be okay with that here?

“I will not do to my child what was done to me.” Klaus, this isn’t enough to completely clear you of all your atrocities, but it doesn’t hurt.

Klaus is having what appears to be a drunken talking to with Marcel about how he would never treat his baby the way his parents treated him or the way his masters treated Marcel. I feel like the last couple of episodes everyone has been trying to talk Klaus out of one of his depressive moments and Marcel had to do it here. Poor woobie Klaus. You’re a jackass, though.

And now Klaus trusts Marcel and Marcel trusts Klaus. EMOTIONAL. WHIPLASH.

Rebekah’s words to Marcel come to fruition when Klaus asks Marcel to rule by his side. That Klaus is so easy to predict… Or is he?

Hayley and Klaus time. Sorry Elijah but I’m interested in this ship as well. Hayley with the whole “what happens when I have the baby” smarts. She’s killing it.

Klaus is playing a twist game of manipulation with Hayley. He claims to want to keep her safe, but then doesn’t answer when she asks what’s going to happen she has the baby. It’s good to know Klaus sees her as incubator.

I want Hayley to surrogate mom Davina so much.

I can sort of Femslash Davina and Hayley. If that’s wrong I don’t want to be right.

JOSH BROUGHT THE VIOLIN and they still have the most chemistry and I just adore them. I need more Josh in the OGs.

I still love Josh and Davina. I’m all for LGBTQ+ representation,  but that’s a waste of sexual chemistry between the actors themselves. The friendship is great but would be more great if they didn’t look they wanted to jump each other too.

Davina finally understands everyone is playing her. Fix it girl.

Klaus returns to his siblings to… what. Yell at them? Give him more inspiration for his next me album? But it turns out they found more about Klaus’s parentage, specifically his werewolf papa. And he gets all his panties in a twist like he doesn’t care.

So turns out VM werewolf guy is Klaus’s family. Interesting…

And Klaus is off complaining and crying again. Shut up, Klaus.

Spoiler, he does care. He wants to protect the wolfies, but GOD FORBID let his siblings know he wants to protect them.

So Klaus pretends he’s indifferent to his werewolf clan being in town but then decides to seek Kiernan out to try and protect them without the vamps helping out. Maybe if you showed this adorable side more, people wouldn’t hate you, Niklaus.

I like how you pick and chose what you show Cami, Klaus. Is she going to leave without making out with Klaus? CW, I’m impressed with you.

Priests only demand is to get Cami out of New Orleans so he goes to do just that, but before he compels her he shows her his story. Cami feels genuine compassion for Woobie Klaus and damn, I ship it.

“The only reward anyone ever gets for loving Niklaus is suffering and death.” #incest

Still hate Rebekah and Marcel. Something happened in 1919, Marcel loves Klaus blah blah.

Rebekah gets the bum end of the stick literally every time.

ELIJAH AND HAYLEY. GET IT. MAKE OUT. Or hug…that’s something. It still looks like Elijah has never touched a woman before. Make out. Make out. Do it. Dooooo it. Sonnuva, COME ON ELIJAH. I do love that Elijah looks at the floor when he’s trying to not feel feelings REALLY HOW IS THE FLOOR GOING TO HELP YOU

Double adorable moment between Elijah and Hayley and then Elijah and Klaus. Ah family dynamics.

Elijah apologizes the Klaus and it’s awesome. He tells Klaus that he doesn’t make it easy to love him, but Klaus acknowledges that Elijah is obstinate in his desire to do so and my heart is happy. That’s sacrificial love.

OMG Davina, this is a terrible idea, CAMI WAS ALMOST OUT WE ALMOST GOT RID OF THE MOST REDUNDANT PLOTLINE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

So Davina just undid Cami’s compelling, which might have turned her brain to mush because I think Klaus compels her for sport now.

Ugh. Whatever. Jason Dohring in 37 episodes! Or is it 38? (I’m the worst at the 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall game for exactly the same reason.)

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Episode 10 – The Casket Girls

YES. NO VOICE OVER. WE FINALLY MADE ENOUGH CONTENT TO DO AWAY WITH VOICE OVERS.

Omg I got to skip the previously on. I am so happy. Thank you. Netflix!

…just kidding. We still have VO. Only it’s to give us a history lesson about something called ‘The Casket Girls’ which I’m more than interested in. But someone killed all the rambunctious men? Ah. Rebekah. With massive pile of curls on her head. I can get behind this.

Rebekah tells us the story of The Casket Girls, which for those folks who don’t know were “virginal” girls brought over to the French colonies for men to “marry”. They were called casket girls cause they fit all of their clothes into caskets…or as some folks say they were smuggling vampires into the city. For the sake of The OG’s, the girls were coming into the city, the stupid men were about to ravage them and then Rebekah shows up and just feasts on all the gross dudes. Girl power!

“A reminder how women can be oppressed by selfish men.” Yes, I want this episode for Rebekah. And for Cami.

Davina is still at it, detoxing Cami from Klaus’s compulsions. 3 minutes into the episode and it’s already about the girls. That’s okay, I’m sure Klaus or Marcel  will show up to ruin it soon enough.

Oh damn, Hayley’s in a white dress and Elijah can barely keep his hands to himself. TENSION. FEELS. Man. Remember what I said about tee shirt and jeans Elijah? Thank you Show.

No sign of creepy Klaus yet. I swore the next scene would be of him. Instead it’s Hayley getting into a casket girl dress and a tshirt clad Elijah helping her. It’s so sexy and Elijah is such a little dork.

And then he unzips her dress for her and why did we do this at all but OH HEY UST GAME ON POINT.

Rebekah is finally pushing away Marcel THANK YOU “You’ve relinquished your right to touch me.” I know it sucks for her, but this is so much better. #incestbyproxy?

Ugh. One moment of relief and then there is Klaus and Marcel. Also Rebekah is being whiny about Marcel loving Klaus again. We get it, Rebekah. You hate Klaus. We believe you.

Lots of montage-y face touching scene while Super Witch and her BFF Nerdboy heal Cami from Klaus’s face touching.

Davina successfully removes the compulsion from Cami, while promising Josh a Daylight ring spell. Davina is just a mover and a shaker.

It’s weird to see Elijah working with Marcel and Klaus. Marcel gets all up in Elijah’s grill and he’s just like “step back.” Elijah does a good job at the whole subtle threatening.

Marcel, Klaus and Elijah are in the attic and discuss Davina. First off, Davina is too smart and powerful for Marcel and Klaus and they know it, hence the urgency to find her. Also, can we talk about Elijah telling Marcel to take a step back? Why do these people want to step to Elijah? He’s prime and proper but he can and will kill you. Even you, Klaus Jr.

Marcel and Elijah make a pact to protect Davina.

Hayley and Rebekah bonding? Oh, no, Bekah’s just going to get mad at her. Let’s join up! Ooo Hayley sees through Rebekah’s concern for Davina and JUST BE BEST FRIENDS.

Rebekah is still on her girl power kick…

Oh. Right. Sophie’s still alive. Back to having a hard time figuring out the difference between Davina and Sophie.

Speaking of. Sophie is back. I forgot she existed. She wants to find Davina and I hoped Sophie disappears for good.

Davina’s spilling everyone’s secrets THIS IS WHY WE HAVE TO BE OPEN guys secrets just destroy everything.

Davina and Josh hugging..sigh.

Sophie calls Hayley to manipulate her. I can’t handle this Sophie. I hope she goes somewhere for 3 episodes again..or for good.

Sophie, first you want to continue the harvest and now you’re blackmailing a pregnant girl. You’re sinking lower and lower on my opinion.

CW PARTY TIME. I can get on board with this once because it’s New Orleans and New Orleans parties all the time.

I love Cami and Davina’s almost maternal relationship.

Guys, this is the episode Nerdboy dies. I know it. The strings are playing and it’s going to hurt.

Klaus threatens Tim, Davina’s love with bodily harm. Am I having a déjà vu? DIDN’T THIS JUST HAPPEN?!

The witches come for Davina in their goods and she just kills them…like it was nothing because there is nothing that can stop Davina right now, but she’s a little over head and I’m worried for her.

Oh no, I just realized what’s happening. Hayley is going to betray Elijah. (Not actually betray, but this family seems to have lost the meaning of the word over centuries.)

So is Rebekah who apparently tells Josh no good could come of Davina going after Klaus.

Rebekah’s motives are a little dodgy. But in other news, Klaus and Elijah being snarky brothers is gold.

Davina comes out and just is set on DESTROYING Klaus. And she uses some of Klaus’s father’s own words. And now she’s preying on Elijah’s fears. This girl is great when it comes to seeing these boys as they are. And not only that but DESTROYING them. And then Marcel is straight FINISHED by Rebekah.

Klaus is all for theatrics and has Davina’s fiddler boy playing his music from up high so to speak. Klaus once agains gets overly confident with his dealings with Davina, and she hits him where it hurts the most…his werewolf side, causing him to start to turn. She plays on Elijah’s weakness of being a killer and forces him to choke on his own blood, and of course for Marcel, she couldn’t finish him off herself because Bekah came about cool, calm and collected, and daggered him for a bit.

This is great. Wait, what is Rebekah doing?! Oh, showing Davina how she’s not like Klaus.

Rebekah is a Spice Girl in this episode. Everything is girl power.

But I do NOT like Hayley working with Sophie. Mainly because that involves killing little ones. Also if the witches’ power is fading, I’d hate to see what it looks like at full power.

Sophie looking for Celeste’s body. I am so bored. I have no idea why Hayley’s storyline has to be so wrapped up in her’s. Sophie’s entire character is soul sucking.

Oh shit! Something is finally happening to Sophie.

Nerdboy seems really jealous of Tim (who doesn’t get a cool nickname because who is named Tim in this century?!) But it seems the Klaus had an even more devious plan in poisoning Tim and Davina.

As soon as Tim gave Davina the water I was like NOOOOOO GIRL! So now she is poisoned.

Cami and the Priest have another heart to heart. It doesn’t really work in this show, but them on their own in a different show would be great.

Cami tells her uncle off about trying to protect her. I get her side by I also understand his.

This whole episode is about how men betray their women.

Marcel, Klaus and Elijah have a spatting match. And it’s got all of the best lines.

Klaus “Don’t worry Elijah, I remain as redeemable as ever.”

Marcel “You’re so predictable I had to form and alliance with Elijah who I don’t even like.”

Klaus is so stupid…so easy and stupid. If the elders are correct…and there is a chance. Davina is going to be reborn. You about to get yours AGAIN, Klaus.

Oh hey wait, the Harvest is happening now right? Because Davina died? Oh wait, no she didn’t. Or won’t, because Marcel got her a little protection spell as a gift. And Nerdboy couldn’t be happier.

Oh so turns out Marcel had one of the witches put a protect spell on Davina anyway.

Poor little fiddler boy

Rebekah is the protector of all girls. I truly do love her.

Marcel being all big brother-y is a turn on for Rebekah I WONDER WHY. Even Elijah leaves Klaus and Rebekah alone to let the two kids talk BECAUSE HE KNOWS.

We’re bookending the episode with another voice over but it’s all right guys because women are still under the thumb of the idiot males on this show. Well, except Cami who looks like she’s about ready to castrate Klaus. Her threats are a little lame, but Klaus looks like a kicked puppy.

I want to kick Klaus in the face, but Cami does that for all of us when she tells him to back up or she’ll expose him.

Oh it’s not a voice over anymore, Rebekah’s been telling a story to…Newsie? Ah, because she wants to take over the French Quarter from Klaus and Marcel.

“So men suck, what do you want me to do about it?” -Thierry recapping the episode

So Rebekah has a master plan to take down her brother and Marcel and it involves Marcel’s favorite newsie and Davina. This should be interesting.

Oh here go hell come. Apparently Sophie’s plan to bring back Celeste is going to suck, much like Sophie herself.

And we’re having another Hayley and Elijah moment. With guilt under the surface because Elijah’s going to feel so hurt but for now he’s grinning like an idiot when he sees Hayley. And he’s looking at the scary black lined drawing like they’re going to come to life and bite him. (Anyone seen Sleepy Hollow? Looks like some of the monsters on that show. Abby would be all about those drawings.) He thinks something’s coming. Something sinister. Oh it’s a big old puzzle. Which shows…his old witch girlfriend?! Elijah looks like he’s seen a ghost which isn’t mistaken but he’s also like “Oops, what?”

And of course Hayley is frantically calling her to save this, but Hayley is an idiot in this episode. I blame the hormones for her trust of Sophie.

That’s it for Tuesday! Tune in on Thursday for an update on Diane, probably incest innuendos, and what I hear is an emotional game-changer.